It all started on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere with no one else in sight. The radio caught my attention with a song of hope that felt like healing to my tired, weary soul. The song spoke of letting go of my worry because Jesus was in control. I had been avoiding anything Christian for a very long time because of the pain I still felt from years ago.

I was a former pastor who had been running from God for over ten years. I was running because the god that I had been taught in the Christian circles I hung with at the time was not the God that I knew in the depths of my being to be the real True God. And sadly, I must say, I had even taught others about this very god I did not trust

There I was, driving through the middle of nowhere Colorado, dropping into this desolate valley, honestly titled ‘Disappointment Valley,’ listening to this song about a Jesus you can trust, when I felt a stirring in my heart and a warmth fill my being. I knew this was God calling me to come back home to be present in His Presence.

As thoughts of the Prodigal Son story filled my mind, I could feel what felt like an invisible robe draped across my forearms. Tears were filling my eyes as my fingers gripped the steering wheel.

I longed to return to my Father’s House, but “No!” There was just still too much pain from before. I can’t go back to what was before. And so, with tears clouding my vision and pressure on my chest, I looked upward and said, “I cannot go back and be a servant in Your household; it’s just too painful.”

I then heard an almost audible voice, coming from somewhere I do not know, saying, “I don’t want you to be a servant in My household; I have enough of those. I just want you to be My son.” It was then, at that moment, that I realized Father God was talking to me, and I realized that even after all of those years in ministry, I didn’t know what just being a son even looked like.

At that moment, I knew it would be different this time. This time, it was going to be personal. This time, I’m going to know who the Father is and what it means just to be a son. He wasn’t asking me to return to ministry, nor did I want to. 

Disappointment Valley, San Miguel County, CO

The journey began by asking myself one simple question: “Why do I believe what I believe?” 

Thus began my pondering… “What if what I believed about God was not actually truth?” “What if it was only what I had been led to believe was the truth but was not actually truth?” “What if the Christian doctrine I had been handed down over the years and was told was absolute truth was tainted by erroneous modern theology and tradition?” “What if it was a truth twisted and distorted to fit into the church’s agenda of staying in power?” “What if?” 

I call this my ‘Second Journey’.

During this second journey, I have developed this mantra that best describes the journey:

“Where my wounds touch His healing,

I find my Identity...

Where my weakness touches His strength,

I find my Perseverance...

Where my surrender meets His embrace,

I find my Destiny...

It is on this razor’s edge of reality;

I find my message to deliver to the world.

I AM the message.” 

~Michael Heidel